demisexuality: I saw a post somewhere several...

29th August 2011

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I saw a post somewhere several months ago about asexuality, and how whenever someone of the asexual spectrum brings up a personal quality or issue, this is always used by those who don’t believe the person is asexual/in asexuality to cite a “cause” for the person’s orientation.

Note: extreme sarcasm ahead and this may contain triggers as it is written in the snarky, know-it-all tone people often respond with, as well as it is peppered with some ridiculous statements to match some of the stuff people say that you can’t believe was actually even thought of.

Some of these qualities or issues are:

Age: If you are not elderly, you just haven’t matured enough or met the right person. And if you’re elderly, you’re “past your prime” and somehow “too old to have a sex drive” and therefore “normal”. After all, no old person STILL has a sex drive and there are clearly no senior citizens who still desire and have sex. Viagra? Yeah, they just throw old men in the commercials just to assure younger men who worry about having ED that there’s still time before it can no longer rise to the occasion.

Mental Illness: If you have any mental illness or disorder, no matter how mild, this is always the cause of your orientation. Clearly the disorder itself or your medication has disrupted or erased your sex drive and desire for sex. And if you were part of the asexual spectrum before you were diagnosed or began taking medication, you obviously have been ill your whole life. There’s no way a “healthy” person can have no sex drive and no way a person can be asexual regardless of having or not having a mental illness or disorder. There’s just something wrong and hopefully once you start recovering or receiving treatment your inherent sex cravings will return.

A Previous Bad Experience With Sex (not sexual assault): If you had a bad experience while having sex with someone, clearly this has turned you off to sex. Maybe your partner wasn’t very good, or something awkward happened or it didn’t feel right. Maybe you had the wrong kind of sex. Or maybe you had an STD or pregnancy scare, or actually caught something or became/got someone pregnant. In any case, this is clearly why you have no interest in sex; it wasn’t enjoyable and now you think all sex is like this so you tell yourself you don’t want it. You just need to find a really good partner who will do a good job and you will like and want sex again.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

Sexual Assault: If you have been sexually assaulted at any point in your life, in any way, this is clearly why you are asexual. Nevermind that the assault may have happened long after you realized your orientation. If this had never happened you wouldn’t have turned out asexual. There’s no way a person can be asexual regardless of whether or not the assault happened.

Fear of Sex: If you are afraid of having sex for any reason, this is why you think you are asexual. There are no sexuals who are afraid of sex. All you have to do is get over your fear and you will see that sex is the greatest thing ever.

Thinking You/Part(s) Of You Are Unattractive: If you think you are unattractive or you find parts of your body to be unattractive, this is why you think you’re asexual. You just think someone would be completely turned off by you/your [insert body part(s) here] so you keep to yourself and claim you are asexual in a “get to them before they can get to you” type of attitude. After all, if you believe that you don’t want to have sex with anyone ever, then you won’t have to worry about making an advance only to be rejected due to your personal appearance. Maybe if you just went on a diet, got a new hairstyle, wore make up, got better clothing, got plastic surgery, got a better attitude or switched bodies with a hot celebrity, you would gain some confidence and find a sexual partner.

Being Female: If you’re female you’re supposed to not want sex! Didn’t you know that women are the gatekeepers to sexual modesty? You’re supposed to turn guys down, especially outside of marriage! Women aren’t supposed to like sex; you’re supposed to just want to procreate. “Close your eyes and think of England” and all that. Not desiring sex is inherently female! You’re not special. Stop thinking that.

The mental illness one kind of amuses me because I have a mental illness. The thing is, though, mental illness doesn’t always cause lower sex drive. In fact, having bipolar should increase my sex drive. The depression side could make me think I’m asexual, sure, but the manic side? Nope - that should be causing hypersexuality. And yet even when I’m at my most manic-y, I don’t feel attracted to people. I want to touch them, yes, and cuddle and be close to them (more so than I do normally. I get cuddly to the point of pissing people off when I’m hypomanic) but sex? Nope. The few times hypomania has made me want sex, the asexuality makes it a bit bothersome because I want sex, but am not attracted to anyone, so sex with random strangers (which I really, really want at times in that mood) isn’t really an option because no random strangers appeal to me.

So yeah. I just find it ironic that “you are just asexual because you have a mental illness” is an argument when, for me, it is more like “your mental illness makes you want sex, but your inconvenient asexuality gets in the way of your heightened sex drive.”

Tagged: asexual asexuality demisexual demisexuality grey-a Grey-Asexuality

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